Hope in losing Hope for awhile

I still converse with Jesus... I have been letting him know I don't even know what to do with Easter anymore. I let him know that I honestly don't even know if he rose from the dead. I just don't know anything anymore!!
I'm very honest with Jesus.

If someone says to me this Easter... "He is risen!" 
My answer is going to be... "I honestly don't know if he is... but I sure would like to believe it!" 

I actually asked for some sort of "sign" or "message" from Jesus for some help on this... 
I'm glad I still feel that Jesus is cool with my utter honesty and rawness of who I am!

Today, a friend of mine shared this blog:
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2017/04/14/my-saddest-good-friday-in-memory-when-treasured-things-are-dead 

It was written by a popular evangelical christian speaker. She probably won't be getting many more speaking gigs. At least not with the evangelicals. You see, she got a divorce. We all know people who "really" love Jesus NEVER get a divorce. (sarcasm)

This blog, and the fact that this certain friend shared it, was my "sign".

It's nice to know I'm not alone. I am not. Alone.
On this Easter, I have many brothers and sisters who still cling to this Jesus but are so broken and tired of the hurt they have experienced that they struggle to relate the two! I'm going to count on the fact that Jesus knew what that felt like!! 

I still have hope in the "Resurrection".

NOT because if I believe in that, I get to go to Heaven for eternity... and those who don't believe in the resurrection go to hell. 

I am so done with that crap. I'm tired of a faith that is somewhat rooted in fear and trying to feel all "certain" about life and defining this Jesus in just the right way.

That is religion. Not faith. 

I felt VERY certain when I was deep in my religion. It's what religion is made for in many ways. Faith is blood, sweat and tears and often feeling very alone and saying... 

"Who else have I to turn to?" 

That, to me, is Faith.

Please don't take offense, those of you who have a strong and steady faith that doesn't seem to waver a lot. I truly don't mean to take this out on you. I know you love your church. I know you love the way you believe. Whatever religion or system of beliefs you may have, I'm happy for you! I just believe it's going to eventually be tested, because that is what faith does. It tests us and makes us stronger. So enjoy your good feelings. Just please don't look down on those of us who don't share them. Just as I try not to look down on you. 

Yeah, that whole "do unto others thing".  A good one to live by!

When the disciple Thomas asked Jesus if he could put his fingers in Jesus' owies after he came back from the grave; Jesus LET him! Then he told Thomas "blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe"!  Jesus didn't say they were better, or "the true believers". He said they were "blessed".

Well, DUH, Yeah! OF COURSE they are blessed! When you have a strong belief system you really get to cruise through life in many ways. That is a blessing!

It's us Thomas' who get to walk around in confusion and questions and doubt. But Jesus showed Thomas his wounds! That's how the story goes anyway.  Jesus showed Thomas... THOMAS.  All that agony and betrayal and pain that Thomas had gone through with the death of his Rabbi and seeing all the religious "holy" teachers turn against them; 
that, is what Thomas would see in those wounds.

He also saw an alive Jesus!!!
That's how the story goes.  

I have hope because a resurrection, especially by someone like Jesus, is a sign that pain and grief and agony and evil and all the hurtful things of this world DO NOT have the last word!!! They just don't!

I have Hope that Jesus rose from the dead.

I don't have certainty and I don't have proof. I just have Hope.  I'm going to cling to that hope through my faith journey, and I'm going to hope that it will produce Love. Because Love is something that for now, I can feel, and know exists! 

Jesus is Love.
That's how the story goes. 

So... there it is.

Happy Easter everyone!